Skye Writer

Over 6000 students, Im in shock!!

2008-01-24T19:39:34Z

As many of you know, Ive been working on a script for a puppet show for the Literacy Foundation that I work for. (Im the Literacy Program Coordinator) Which has been a lot of work, (but one of my old theater buddies is helping out) we got the first and second revisions done, going to let the author see it, and then do one more revision. No big. I knew that I was going to be performing it at a few programs, visiting a few schools with it. Once again, no big. Very doable. Right?

Had a meeting this afternoon with the representative who is our contact with the schools, to get the student breakdown, how many schools, etc. Right? Found out we are performing for ALL the students in ALL the elementary schools in this county. 11 elementary schools, grades K-5, about 6,000 students. Yes...I did NOT make a mistake typing that. SIX THOUSAND elementary school students. All 6,000 wont see the puppet show. Just K-3, which comes out to over 3500 students who will see the puppet show. The other 2500, I will work with in other capacities, reading the books, crafts, other activities and games. Plus dinners and meetings/programs with their parents, teachers, county government, media, business owners, etc in the evenings in between doing programs at the schools. Its a 4 day trip altogether. Its still here in GA, so thats a plus. The entire board is SO excited about this opportunity.

Im overjoyed, this is great. My work will be seen by SO many people. The 6000 is only the students, that doesnt count the teachers, parents, school administrators, guests, volunteers, etc. That will be assisting all 6000 students.

On the other hand...im in shock and no little bit scared. I have 2 months to get the show ready. The script is pretty much done, but I have to build all the sets, the props, the puppets, hell,the damn puppet theater, record the show on cd so that we dont have to perform the voices live at each show, get background music...*screams*

Right now? My 'team' consists of me and my friend. I need everyone to pray/meditate/cross your fingers for me. Its a damn good thing I work well under pressure....

Thanks for reading and listening to me shout my good news from the 'rooftops'. Gotta get back to work.

Ja ne!

Back in America....

2007-12-25T17:09:10Z

Got a bit of mixed feelings about it. Dont get me wrong, Im overjoyed to see my family and friends. Them I missed. I got to spend all last week with my grandmother, THAT was wonderful, I love my grandmother very, very much, and I hadnt seen her in over a year and a half. Currently Im in Atlanta, but the week that it took to get here was rather eventful. Let me tell you about it!

Ok first Ill go back to right before I left Japan. I had a few going away parties on the Friday and Saturday before I left (my flight was Monday morning) So had the parties, they were awesome, got to spend time with my wonderful friends and all. Sunday, my last 'day' in J-land was spent packing, cleaning, and saying last-minute goodbyes to everyone. Very sad. Late that evening, my friends came by, we went out for ramen one last time, and took some pictures by the train station. *smile* didnt sleep. (so keep in mind, by 7am Monday morning when we were leaving for the ferry, I already hadnt slept since Friday) Because we were up all night packing, cleaning, and watching random American movies, we were rushing out of the apartment. We would have been fine EXCEPT- we needed an ATM. Which in America or many other countries is no problem, ATMs are 24hrs and everywhere under the sun. However, in Japan, they close, even the ones in convience stores and the like. My flight was at 1235, so we needed to catch the 8am ferry, get there a bit after 9, and check in for my international flight. (and maybe find some food or something in there sometime) But NONE of the ATMs open in banks til after 8, or convience stores til 9. So we searched, and missed the 8am ferry, the next one in my city was not til 10 (too late!) so we decided to drive to the next city that had a ferry leaving at 9, which wasnt too far away (20min by train....maybe 30 driving) So we finally found an open ATM and set out. Everythings good right? WRONG! There was traffic! We JUST missed the 9am ferry, so now we have to wait for the 10am ferry.....which will get us to the airport around 11am....an hour and a half before my flight....but we had no choice. So we get all my baggage and everything, and get on the 10am ferry. Im SUPER paranoid about missing my flight, freaking out....i did pass out on the ferry for about 20 min......and we make it to the airport about 1040. So now we grabbed all my bags (2 HUGE suitcases, both way overweight, and 2 carry ons weighing about 60lbs each) and RUN to the ticket counter to check in. WE MADE IT!! So now everythings cool right? Nope! Bags were quite overweight, and we almost had a problem with them being TOO heavy....so that all gets sorted, fees paid and all.....and its time to say goodbye and go through security. Now Im left carrying the 120lbs through security. Now, I used to work for an airline, I know that any electronics that you pack in your checked baggage, if they are broken/lost/stolen/etc, the airline is NOT responsible. So all my electronics are ALWAYS carryon. Now that being said, I had 2 laptops, my PS3, my games, my PSP, my Mp3 player, dvds, webcamera, external harddrive, cords, digital camera, and more in these bags so of course ALL of it had to be pulled out, and run through the scanning machine twice. *sigh* so I get it all RE-packed carry it all through the airport and finally, FINALLY make it on the plane. Where I commence to sending a last email or two and taking painkiller/sedatives (when I fly, I get migrane level headaches...SO not fun) I lucked out and had the seat next to me open, and commenced to sleeping away the flight, waking only to eat. (For the record, the vegetarian meals on planes are vegan and they SUCK!!!!) I woke when I arrived in Detroit, got my bags (no damage!) and breezed through customs (im STILL SO amazed by that) and made it out. Called my family and got picked up from the airport. Back in the USA.

Now that week, I spent with my grandmother (who either forgot or was not told I was a vegetarian,so shed cooked up all kinds of beef/pork/chicken dishes for me...*laughs*) and got in touch with so many of my friends and family. Most of the people I hung with and talked to were old friends from elementary and middle school. Even talked to one of my oldest friends (whom Id lost touch with for like 10-15 years) My uncle and grandmother surprised me with a ticket to go see 'The Lion King' broadway show. That was awesome. Id seen it once before, but at the time, I was SO sick, so although I liked it, I was in SO much pain that I couldnt really enjoy it or give it my full attention. This time it was me and my grandmother, and I felt fantastic, and we had 4th row seats, I could see EVERYTHING, it was incredible. Thats like my favorite disney movie anyway, so I was very much floored. The costumes, the music, the actors, the dancers *sigh* that at one point was my dream. It reminds me of when I was doing that....I love performing.....anyway...it was a great surprise/christmas present, and I had a ball. I went out with my cousin for her birthday, went bowling and to dinner with friends, went to the movies (for the 2nd time this year, saw "I Am Legend" SO sucked...we were quite dissapointed. *sigh* the book is ALWAYS better), went to the mall *shudders*, had familial get-togethers, and even went on an adventure searching for an open Coney Island (which ultimately failed) it was an incredible trip. I got to cook for my grandmother (for once) and she loved it. My uncles had to grudgingly admit I CAN cook. Some of the drama I expected to ensue, didnt....but I didnt sleep or eat much while I was there (surprise, surprise) Then Sunday dawned, the day I returned to Atlanta to visit my mother and brother. The packing and all took forever (although it was more a sense of re-packing) and I spent quite a bit of time chanting and meditating to calm myself before leaving. The airport wasnt bad, just a LONG walk with those STILL super heavy carryons, and then came the flight....I was too nervous to eat, and felt SOOO sick the whole time. There was a ton of turbulance and even WITH painkillers, I still felt horrible. I personally HATE flying so I was not happy about it. Spent most of the flight praying and chanting to try and calm myself. Got off the plane, and Atlanta Hartsfield-Jackson International Airport is freaking HUGE. So I had to carry my bags QUITE the distance to the baggage claim (my back is KILLING me at this point) and finally meet up with my friends who picked me up. I was in quite the nasty mood, I was hyped up from the painkillers, I was in pain from my back and the baggage, I was tired (it had been at least 36hrs since Id last slept) and just all around uber irritable. ( I did apologize for being such a bitch...I was practically spoiling for a fight in that mood, luckily everyone left me alone) and I returned to be hugged (choked) by my mother who really missed me, and my brother and finally meeting my cousin from Israel. Which was really nice. I did miss them. So after changing we went out for dinner. Went to a Chinese food resturant and talked and ate. Which wasnt bad, except later that evening, I wasnt feeling too well...yup, you guessed it, for the 3rd Christmas Eve in a row, I was sick. (2005-food poisoning, 2006-alcohol poisoning, 2007-food poisoning again...its a good thing i dont drink anymore.....) Currently im fine. But spent yesterday shopping and with my 'sister' and that evening, came our family holiday tradition. Everyone must wear Christmas-themed/colored pjs, and we cook, I bake, and we watch holiday movies. This year, I made curry, something else, and baked my special oatmeal raisin cookies. I was still quite out of it, and my back is still hurting (more than usual) so after i finished cooking, i took something for it and went to sleep. (around midnight or so) Woke WAY too early, talked with my mother, chanted/meditated, made smoothies and now am recording everything. Ill post pics later tonight, but just wanted to give a re-cap. Starting tomorrow Ill make all the phone calls and everything.....shes baaaaacccccckkkkkk. But now going to take something and take a nap.

Haribol!
Cinnamon Skye

Things are looking up

2007-12-02T16:07:45Z

Things are looking up! Im in a better mood. Im not feeling as sick (yatta!) and overall im feeling pretty good. Im in a good place spiritually, and only improving, so thats fantastic! In general, just feeling good. Ill explain why.
A bit on the good things that are happening. Yesterday morning, I went to my friends English class again to visit with her students (all Japanese older women, that have been studying at a communitiy center a few times a month for about 10 years) Theyre SO sweet, they kept feeding me cake, mandarin oranges and coffee. *smile* Theyre all SO sweet. After that...what did I do? Oh yeah, my head was hurting a bit...and I was a bit distressed because of fluxuations, but I rested mostly. Late last night I got a call to help out Shais former student and do a few christmas parties with kids today. (2 parties an hour long, about 30 something kids age 2-6 in one party, 22 or so age 7-12 in the next party) Got paid to spend a few hours playing games, reading stories, taking pictures and just having fun with a bunch of kids. Ill have to post some of the pictures I took. (Ill probably be posting pics to the photo website fairly frequently. After that, came home and went grocery shopping (which I needed to do, I was almost out of food!) I made some pasta (first time since becoming a vegetarian) and took a bit of a nap. Then I got woken up by the ping of skype im. I was nervous about talking to her as well, but shes awesome. Later this week, I get to go experience the Japanese tea ceremony! Im SO excited about that. Ive wanted to watch it my whole life. And now I get to experience it. Might even get to wear a kimono, THAT would be awesome. Ill be sure to take many, many pictures. Also this week, is a nabe party (nabe is a vegetable soup, sometimes with seafood or other meat, but most of the time, just veggies, tofu, and noodles, since me and a few others are vegetarian, there will be 2 kinds of soup one with and one without meat) Nabe parties are a traditional fall/winter activitiy, so Im always excited to join those, and then also Karens birthday is this weekend, so that will be fun to celebrate, we are going to a jazz club, and then Sunday my "mom" has another dance performance that I will go and view, so many positive things happening this week. Also Ekadasi is on Wednesday. I now have a much better idea of things I can and cannot eat, so its even less of a hardship than before. (not that it was, but I wasnt really thinking about what I could eat)So Wednesday Ill stay in, spend the day chanting, reading, meditating, praying, and focusing on Krsna. I also have to get as much packing as possible done. Currently going through my things, deciding what I will keep, and what I will not. Its a bit challenging at times, but far from impossible. So, thats whats going on this week. Ive got to bet all the boxes that Im sending back packed up, and pack up as much as possible. *nods* I can do it. Well, Ive got some emails to answer and other things to take care of.

hari hari
Cinnamon Skye

Dreams

2007-11-25T06:45:28Z

Im leaving my previous thread on relationships for a moment because I wanna talk about dreams....or how screwed up they are!!!

At the moment, Im rather glad for my insomnia, cause I dont wanna go back to sleep!! *shudders* All my life, Ive heard,
"you cant get hurt in dreams"
"if you die in your dreams you die in real life"
"you cant feel pain in dreams"
"dreams arent real, they dont come true"
etc, etc, etc. Ive even heard its strange to dream in color. *shrugs* I would probably be a dream scientsts/psychologists dream patient cause my dreams dont follow ANY pattern, all all the things they say you "cant" or "not supposed to" I do.

First of all, "I" am rarely in my dreams. Im either someone else, or just an omnipresent being "watching" the situation like a movie....but its more than that, because I still get to experience everything they do....which given my twisted imagination, aint all "sweetness and light". When "I" AM actually there, its one of 4 things:
1.(too damn often)i die
2.(semi-rare)its a prediction of the future
3.(rare)im working through a problem that im going through
4. (VERY RARE) sex....although, it never gets to sex, its usually foreplay...and i wake up before its "completed", methinks my imagination is TOO strong for that.

Anyway, point is my dreams are rather f*cked. Youre not supposed to die or feel pain in dreams. That (in my case) is the biggest lie Ive ever heard. Ive been shot, stabbed, burned, drowned, blown up, tortured, ripped apart, sliced, diced, the list goes on and on, and I FEEL it and I DONT WAKE UP TIL AFTER IM DEAD! Then after a moment of nothingness, I wake up hyperventilating. SO not fun. I have scratched (which I do fairly regularly) myself bleeding because of what Im experiencing in my dreams, and it doesnt wake me. I wake later and find blood on my pillow or something. Also NOT FUN! *sighs* Not very restful, na?

Now, not all my dreams are bad. A lot of them are fun. I go on exciting adventures, I experience lots of different things. I speak fluent Japanese (well, this IS a dream). Sometimes I get the precognative dreams....the ones of my future. Usually theyre years down the road, but Ive gotten a few that kept me from doing something that could seriously harm me or kill me. So thats rather convienent. Sometimes I think I experience past lives...who knows. Then theres the dreams when I get to work through a problem Im struggling with, those are helpful as well....but they dont come as often as Id like.

I like the lucid dreams, the ones where you KNOW youre dreaming and can influence things. Those are fun (unless its a nightmare, and I cant "influence" myself to wake) I have the ablity to create whatever I please...awesome. Always fun.....

However, last nights dreams (or rather this morning, because i couldnt sleep til almost 8am) were rather not fun, so I dont want to sleep (which given my insomnia, wont be hard) for a few days. I literally starved to death in my dream. The pain was horrible....im still feeling echoes of it now. Now though, I have no desire to eat. Im not hungry....but I got to see my bones appear and my body change....i dont like the way I look as a living skeleton. It was like I was a prisoner or something. Being starved and tortured. *shudders* Not fun. Had another I dont really remember, but I just remember it was painful....my body is a bit sore this morning, like Ive climbed a mountian, crossed the sahara, swam the pacific, and fought a war singlehandedly. I hope I go to the onsen later (hotsprings) I need a soak. Hell, I need a bullet to the brain. What the hell is wrong with my imagination!?!?!? *sigh* I dont wanna sleep....I can stay up for a few weeks, na? No worries, methinks Ill be just fine. I can spend the time Id spend sleeping meditating and chanting. That made me feel a bit better, but it always does. Well, thats more than enough for now.

What are your dreams like?

Thinking....

2007-11-21T19:24:23Z

My brain is too full, gonna try and get some of it out here, maybe itll stop my headache....

Yesterday was a holy day in my religion called "ekadasi", since im still learning, I wont go into details, but at the waxing and waining of the moon, for that day (2xs a month) we do not take grains nor beans. It was also a disapeareance day of one of the great saints, who was known for his devotion, so today was also a 1/2 day fast. During ekadasi, one should engage in activities focusing on God (which should be done every day) but today, its more of a focus. If I was at an ashram, Id have been participating in more activities, but as Im in Japan by myself, thats not really possible. Im also trying to get over a cold, so even if I WAS at an ashram, everyone wouldve made sure that I was resting and getting well, rather than doing something where I could get more sick. I did participate as much as I could. I refrained from more non-spiritual activities and readings, I kept my meals following the guide, and spent a bit more time reading and meditating. It was a good day. However both on the upside and downside, it made me think, alot.

In general, Ive been doing a lot more thinking. Not that its really a surprise. Part of the reason...well, rather, the MAIN reason Im an insomniac, is because I think too much. Its rather difficult to calm my mind. I have a bit more control when I focus on one thing like when Im chanting and meditating on God and the like, or Im writing, or performing. Theres one person who can calm my mind as well, but for now, cant make him a focus. At any given time, I have at least 8-10 separate trains of thought going. People who talk me, typically see that Im a bit hyper, bouncy, and silly. I get the reputation of being a bit of an airhead from time to time as well. Those that KNOW me, know that Im fairly intelligent. That impression is garnered, because I seem to be "bouncing" from subject to subject and not paying attention. Which isnt the case. Usually, theres just too much information going back and forth in my head, that its difficult to focus on just one thing. My imagination is rather strong as well, so its not just thinking about "x, y, and z" , its thinking about, seeing, and imagining 20 different possible outcomes of "x, y, z, and a-f" When I write, I dont just write "one" story, Im always working on 3-5. Different levels of completion, different characters, scenarios, etc. Although, "I" dont really write my stories, my muses (or characters) do. Often, what I originally "plan" for a story ends up completely changing by the end. Why? Because they write themselves. At the moment, Im suffering through writers block (again) and Ive had it for awhile. It drives me crazy. Its like cutting off an arm and a leg. I know whats supposed to happen, but I just cant get it down. One of my friends suggested that is the reason why my insomnia kicked back in. Im not always an insomniac. But since high school, I go through phases, sometimes a few weeks, sometimes years where I suffer from insomnia. I actually hadnt had it in awhile, but I guess with all the changes taking place in my life it decided to rear its ugly head. Usually though, Im able to channel the energy into something else (ie writing) but since I cant....its rough. I would normally distract myself from my lack of sleep and writing with reading, in hopes of kicking my muses off their lazy asses....but no...that hasnt worked either. At the moment, I dont even have any non-spiritual books that Id be able to sit down and read. (not that I dont have books, because I do, I just have no desire to read them, and cant even concentrate on them) The spiritual books are excellent, and they make me think more, which is good because of what Im thinking about, but it still doesnt let my mind rest.

I write in a different genre than I read. My favorite genre to read is Fantasy. Yup, elves, dragons, magic, talking animals, etc. Books that send my imagination to exciting places with fantastic things going on. My imagination helps here, because when I read, I get drawn into the book. I read the words, but I "see and hear" everything in my head. Methinks I trained myself to do that as a child, to escape the arguments of my parents, and just the general unhappiness and danger. Although, when I was young, it was horror that was my favorite. Monsters, demons, zombies, vampires, ghosts.....the gorier, the better. Then again, I know that was because THOSE monsters were "safe", you knew what to expect. They were entertaining, and the scare was a thrill. Those were the monsters youd rather have. Those monsters didnt look "normal", didnt carry a gun, didnt cause sirens to be heard all night. I grew up in Detroit. so not the "safest" city in the US. (dont get me wrong, i LOVE the D. Thats my hometown, but doesnt stop it from having been quite dangerous when I was growing up) Books were great. They were an escape. I could open a book and drown out all the sadness, anger, violence, fights, teasing, threats, danger,etc and completely forget about even being me, just live through the characters. Kind of like Bastian in "The Neverending Story" (and thats maybe the only movie that was BETTER than the book. I dont really care for the book, but the movie sent my imagination to many great places...one of my favorites to this day) I didnt run from bullies though. So small wonder why I love reading, ne? So since I love reading fantasy and horror, I dont write it. Well, I dont write it now. When I first began writing, it was all horror, very gory horror. But not anymore. I dont write fantasy and horror, because whatever I wrote would be too influenced by the awesome talent of my favorite authors. Ive read SOOO much over the years, it would end up in my writing. Besides, I prefer keeping it as something thats fun and relaxing, rather than related to what Im working on. Besides, I would want to use some of their characters, or their worlds, and im not really a fanfiction writer. I like imagining the characters in different situations or coming into contact with my own fantasy characters, but writing it would take away from it for me. hmmm, that probably doesnt make full sense, but *shrugs* there it is.

My stupid muses are silent!!! I could strangle them! I HATE having writers block. I would rather be in pain or something. Stab me in the stomach or something. Anything is preferable to hearing the silence of THEIR voices in my head. Yeah...that sounds really weird, but thats the case. When Im focused and writing, I "hear" my characters voices talking to me. I "see" everything that happens in my head. Its great. I hit that "zone" and I can just type for hours. Its great. At the moment though, theyre all silent. Their voices which usually shout above everything else, are missing. Thats why so many other things are on my mind, its trying to take the place of my muses. *sigh* I miss them. That, being sick and everything else conspires to drive me crazy!!! *growls*

Then Ive got stuff in my head about love, honor, duty, fear, and fearlessness, my past, the present, and future. That stuff is much more complicated. Its all connected. Things are changing. Im changing. I was thinking of how much Ive changed since university, how much whats important to me has changed, my personal beliefs have changed. The changes have been for the better, and Im proud of the woman I am now. I went through much more grief than necessary.....but I (amazingly enough) am still here and have gotten past it. My future will be blindingly bright, my past is just that, the past....the present, will be a challenge. Good, because Im progressing and learning more about my faith, making new friends within it, and all, which is fantastic and inspiring.....challenging because, im moving, finding a new job, taking care of financial responsiblities, my family, changing things personally, and waiting. So...got lots to do and deal with. Not that I cant rise above the occasion, because I WILL. Its just preying on my mind a bit at the moment...and has given me a headache. *sigh*

Well, this has helped me a bit. Didnt calm the headache down...but helped sort the 20 trains of thought i have going onto the right tracks. I think I can go meditate now. Ja!

hari hari
Cinnamon Skye

Could you wait?

2007-11-16T06:37:23Z

I ask this, because Im honestly curious. I was speaking with a friend of mine about some things he happens to be going through, and a scenario came up, and Im curious to see peoples response to it.

Say you meet your soulmate. Not someone you love a lot, or just feel things for....your soulmate, the one person who is your compliment, your true other half. You are madly in love, and everything is blissful. Now. Something happens (through job, religion, family situations, space travel, etc, use your imagination) and for the next 4 years, you cannot have direct communication. No phone, no email, no time spent together, nothing. You can ask about their well-being through others, if you happen to pass each other on the street, you can say hello, but no more than casual greetings. Could you do it? After said 4 years, you will get married and are able to build your future together. BUT for the next 4 years, nothing.If that wasnt challenging enough, you also give up alcohol, anything sexually related (so complete celibacy, not even masturbation), and if you are partaking in...other "substances" you give those up too. (that being said, sex returns with marriage) Could you wait? You of course still deal with the day to day, work, friends, religion, etc. But to you, could someone mean so much, that you would be willing to wait, and change? Could you pass the test?

I thought about this long and hard while I was talking yesterday, and this morning....had you asked me 5 years ago, "could I wait" the answer would have been NO! I wouldnt have been able to do it. But now...Im older and wiser....and I realize just how RARE that kind of love is. So although it would be difficult and lonely at times....yes, I could wait. Could you?

Breaking point past and dealt with

2007-11-15T15:49:03Z

Yesterday I posted about a friend hitting her breaking point and how bad it was....things always get worse before they get better, and after talking to her again, they did.....she got even more depressed and down...to the point where she couldnt even eat (she threw it back up) probably one of the lowest points in her life (so she said...) but shes better now....she STILL wont tell me what it was...but she dealt with it (hopefully she didnt hurt anyone...im proud of her for not hurting herself...for someone like her, physical pain is preferable to emotional pain...(personally I agree) and given that shes rather bloody minded....it could have been ugly.....(at least she doesnt collect knives and swords like me.....*shudders*) Anyway, shes better and sounded like her old self....and she wasnt lying for my benefit. She really IS better. Then again, shes never down for long! Next time I see her, Ill beat it out of her if I have to...

Lets see....for me....*shrugs* things arent bad....well, Ive decided to no longer feel bad and have a personal "pity-party" about my situation. No Im not pleased at the circumstances, No I dont want to leave Japan. But I have to, so I will. Im not going to piss and moan about it anymore (then again....Ive been doing my normal bad habit and just shutting down about it....I cant keep doing that!) So Im going to deal with it. I will have fun for the remainder of my time here, pack up, and leave with no regrets. Its not sayonara, its simply ja ne! Because Im not gone for good. Ive got things I have to accomplish in the states, and a limited time to do it in. So, I will. My future is so bright, and theres SO many things I want to do, and I WILL do, so Im going to get to it. Everything happens for a reason, so Im going to do my best to find the reason and make the most of it.

Thats pretty much it......nothing else earth-shattering is going on....but I am desiring dessert, and I shall go find it!

hari haribol!
Cinnamon Skye

Breaking Point

2007-11-14T07:40:37Z

Breaking Point: When everything in your life gets so overwhelming that you break, the point where you just cant take it anymore.

For some, thats when they turn to suicide, drugs, alcohol, or any number of destructive "band-aids" to the problem. I think its best if you try to talk to someone and pray. I bring this up because of a good friend of mine. Shes one of those people that (similar to me) 95% is in a good mood, content, happy, even if things are going badly, shes usually still insufferably optimistic. Shes also one of the strongest people I know, emotionally, mentally, and shes pretty darn strong physically too. I wouldnt want to fight her (for me to say that, its something) Shes someone I can always talk to when things arent going the best for me, shes always got good advice, and can help me figure things out. Personally, I dont always talk to others when something is bothering me. I have a bad habit of keeping it to myself and kind of shutting down. I may express a bit of it, but I dont like complaining to others when things REALLY get to me....I might complain about the little stuff, but the big things....I hold it in. Yeah, I know, its not healthy and everything, but Im attempting to do better. Anyway, we arent talking about my issues. (for once) So anyway, she almost never comes to me with problems, cause she almost never HAS anything that she "cant handle" as she says. But when she called me this morning...she was a completely different person. Ive never seen her like this...well, maybe once, but that was....like 4 years ago. She called me in tears. It took a minute to register. This chick does NOT cry...I mean, I dont cry, but I hurt myself badly enough, I might shed a tear or two. Ive seen her cut herself and injure herself pretty badly, and all she does is laugh it off. So that set off all kinds of warning bells with me. And then with just how dejected she was.....her self-esteem is 98% really high, not like conceited or anything, but her confidence was inspiring. But for about 30 mins, all she did was cry.....talk about how worthless she was and wondering what was wrong with her. She never explained what pushed her to that point...i may not get it out of her for a while....Im just grateful she called me instead of doing something potentially hazardous to herself or others. Ive never heard anyone sound so defeated. It hurt to listen to, because its just so unlike her...and its tough to see anyone in so much pain. Physical pain is easy to deal with...but the emotional is much, much harder. I tried to comfort her as best I could, and prayed with her and for her....I told her to pray as well...by the end of the conversation, I at least knew she wasnt going to do anything stupid (like hurt herself) Luckily she has tomorrow off, so she can stay in and try and feel better...but it makes one think about what it is that drives a person to that point.

For me, Ive hit my breaking point a few times....maybe 4 times......once in high school when I slit my wrists, and the last 3 times were after university.....for me, its usually because ive let things build up and ive kept it in for too long...but im working on that. I dont like hitting that point....its just not a good place to be. I spend a lot of time praying at that point. Not that i dont spend a lot of time praying now (cause I do) but its a different kind of prayer. Well, sometimes, thats all you can do.

Well, I need to look into getting something to eat, and I have some more spiritual readings to do.I also need a bit more sleep....methinks ill take a nap. So Ive got to go. ja ne!

hari hari
Cinnamon Skye

Coming up next.....ominous music plays

2007-11-11T17:30:09Z

Well, I posted about before....now, what comes next.

First off, the company (a private school) that I worked for in Japan, unfortunately died. Which was both a surprise, and a serious let down. So I was in the midst of searching for a new job. Which of course was a bit difficult, but far from impossible. Then, I received a phone call from my mother. There are some things going on stateside that require both my attention, and also unfortunately my presence. So, next month, on December 17th, I will be leaving Japan for a time. *sigh* makes me a bit sad, because I feel like Im leaving *home*. Im leaving my friends, my Japanese family, my apartment, my way of life....and its going to be a serious reverse culture shock returning to the states. Japan has its quirks and quite an array of "interesting" things, but I love this place and its quirks. Every place has them...but I must leave, at least for a time. But certianly not forever. So next month I return to Atlanta, Georgia...well after a week spent with my grandmother and visiting other family and friends in Detroit, and finding a job and other things. My family will now get to see how much Ive changed. The refrigerator will be quite different, as many of the meals Ill be cooking will be completely different. However, I make delicious filling food so, it matters not! They will love it. I know my mom will, she loves it when I cook.

My mother is rather excited about me returning. Shes missed me a lot, and likes to have me closer. Im the oldest and the only girl, so shes protective. I love my mother, but we dont always see eye-to-eye on everything. Especially when it comes to men, and sometimes the direction that my life takes. Her ideal for me is basically the "American Dream" the white collar husband, 2.5 kids, big house, etc. And thats completely different from what Ive wanted. The kind of guy she likes and would like for me, is not the kind of guy I personally prefer. Personality-wise, I dont typically fit the "mold" of what they would want. My personality is pretty laid-back, although I do get hyper-active when excited. I prefer jeans and t-shirts to designer clothes, sports to skirts, video games to golf. Ive got more of a "male" mindset. I am a total tomboy. Im not very emotional...and have frequently been described as cold from time to time. But im very friendly and flirty as well...im just me. No more, no less. But I kinda drive the corporate guys nuts. And they drive me crazy. I dont want the big house, I dont even really want to settle in the states. I want to learn more languages, see the world. I want to write, and I want to serve God. The money, the status, the "things" arent important to me. I would be happy in a small house in the country, ( I DO need internet and my computer though) I dont need the city, I dont need to speak English. I kind of want to home-school my children...(in the future when I have them) So needless to say, our ideals are completely different. She does just want whats best for me....but what she feels is "best" for me, isnt what I feel is best. Not what I want.

She writes childrens books, and the first one is doing pretty good. Im overjoyed for her. Under her publisher, she wants to get my work published (i write stories and poetry) which is great. She has all these plans of puppet shows, recordings, visits, and more. She wants me to stay "there" and be fully involved in all of it. But the problem is, thats not what I want. I definitely want to continue writing, I have no problem helping and everything, but I already know, where she lives and everything is NOT where I will settle. My goal is to leave next year. Ill be going to India for a time, to go to the temple and spending time with the Guru whos leadership I follow. From there, Ill be going someplace else. I dont know where I will settle, IF its one specific place. I may move around quite a bit. I plan on learning at least 2 more languages (I currently speak English, Spanish, and Im conversational in Japanese) and theres much more that I would like to see and do. So....its a bit of a conflict of interests. Ill help where I can....but my life is leading me in a different direction. So....my life is rather interesting at the moment. Well, regardless, I shall continue to post. Gotta run, I require cookies, so I must go and get cookies.

Hari hari!
Cinnamon Skye

Alright, further explainations.....

2007-11-11T15:21:50Z

Alright, yeah, I know, I know...SO bad....I create a journal, write in it for a month, then go MIA for almost 2 years. Thats REALLY so unlike me. The thing is...I kinda forgot about this journal. I created it, because it was someplace away from where everyone "knew" about me in general, and I was free to talk about things here that I may or may not have felt comfortable expressing everywhere else. Dont get me wrong, its not that there were some 'Big Secrets' or some other such nonsense, but it was nice to have a place that was just *mine* Now, that being said, its not that I stopped blogging for 2 years or anything, cause I didnt. I simply just put it all on my myspace blog, because it was quicker, and at the time, they were just updates for my friends/family about what was going on in Japan. There wasnt really anything that was particularly life shattering that I needed to share separately, now there are.

First off recap. In June of 2006, right after my birthday, I moved to Matsusaka, Japan. Originally, Id written about being really nervous, not knowing what to expect, etc....but actually, when I got off the plane, I felt at home. For me, that was a bit of a surprise. Ive moved around quite a bit over the years. And if you include all the years going back and forth to university and all, Ive moved a grand total of 17 times. 7 cities, 2 states, 2 countries. I was born and spent most of those years in Detroit, Michigan. That was my first home, and the city will always hold a special place in my heart. Detroit in general has a bad reputation for being extremely dangerous, and in parts, it can be. In general, its not, and its full of personality and culture. I love the place, but its probably not where I will settle. Ive lived in assorted cities in Michigan, and also later in Georgia (which although my mother and brother consider it to be "home" it never was nor will be for me) Now, since then Ive not had a city where I truly felt I belonged or loved. Matsusaka, or 'Beef-town' as my friends and I call it, IS. Dont get me wrong, its not some futuristic, multi-cultural metropolis, its a rather small city and like most of Japan, there are few foreigners. Regardless, the people are incredible, and this place has become my home. Ive traveled to many different cities in Japan, gone to festivals, seen the cherry blossoms bloom, gotten drunk, learned quite a bit of the language, and made many life-long friends. Japan has been awesome for me. Its also been the most time that Ive spent single in my life, but it has allowed me to get to know myself well, and find my personal happiness. And I can say, I am truly happy. The experiences I had here have helped shaped the woman I am, and they have made me appreciate so much more. This was also my first excursion teaching (outside of mentoring and being an asst. teacher in university) and it was an eye-opening experience to say the least. Regardless, ive learned that kids are kids, no matter what culture, what language, what country, and that doesnt change.But as much as I complained from time to time. I love them. Kids are great. They drive me crazy sometimes, but I love teaching.

Now for most who know me...thats a bit of a surprise, I always SWORE I was going to be a famous actor, writer, and voice actor. And for years, that WAS my plan, goal, and what I was working towards. Then I worked in the business. I was formerly a associate producer for a television company. More behind the scenes things, writing, recording, editing, voice work, etc. And I got to see the business for what it really is......not that its bad, because its not....but I saw my future, and saw who I would become if I continued on that path. Hollywood and/or television, being on screen would have changed me....I love performing, I love the feeling of for a moment, holding the audience spellbound, the happiness that comes from having created a character. But TV and Movies isnt always about that. And I would have had to change so many things. At the time, my self-esteem could be shaky...I admit Im a former bulimic.....I know what it would have done to me...and Im glad that I didnt pursue it. Now, being who I am and everything I could, but thats not where my heart is completely anymore. Dont get me wrong, I still love performance, but my focus has shifted. I used to want and crave the fame,the fortune, big house, in the city, the parties, the excitement! Nope. Not anymore. Now? My ideal? Being settled with my family, a small town or city, I dont need the huge house or any of that. Its not important. Serving God, writing, teaching. That would make me happy. I no longer need "things" to keep me happy. Amazingly, Ive grown up. *smiles*

My life has changed. I study a different religion. I was raised Christian, and now I study Krsna Conciousness and its made a huge difference in my life. Im now a vegetarian (which surprises everyone, because I used to rail against it and I LOVED meat) but Im happy with that as well. Ive changed a few other things personally as well, and for those that know me or have known me, they would be shocked, and would not dare to believe that Im the same person. And although a few of them were hard decisions or choices to make in the beginning, once made they were easy. Every one of them has felt *right*, so I know that they are the right choices for me.

So, thats a recap...up next....what comes next...*cue ominous music*

hari hari!
Cinnamon Skye

Quick Update...its been a min

2007-11-10T09:19:30Z

Considering that its been almost 2 years since Ive last posted....i should write something...ive been in Japan for the past 18 months, but unfortunately, i shall be leaving the land of the rising sun this coming December, and its a bitter parting, but I shall make the most of it. Suffice to say, its been awesome, but Ive had some ups and downs (mostly ups) but unfortuneatly I dont have the time I thought I did, so this will be REALLY short. Ill post more this evening.

Life is rather interesting....many, many changes, religion, diet (vegetarian now), personal.....its been pretty big. Anyway, i must goes and find something to eat, beyond that life is about to change....are you ready for it?

coming up next: recaps of life since i last posted, further explination into my changes, and...maybe even pics! Tune in next time!

hari haribol!
Cinnamon Skye

Musing on my Madness

2006-01-24T04:43:27Z

Just thought I'd take a moment to muse on my current madness....I've spent the day going over my financial situation, and figuring out how I'm going to have everything set before I leave...and thinking about all the people, family,and friends I'll be leaving behind...I'll be leaving EVERYTHING I know and love behind. I'm going 6000 miles away from everything and everyone....it's a little daunting...but I can't help but be overjoyed at the prospect. The farthest away I've ever traveled is to Toronto, Canada and Lincon, Nebraska (international thespian Conference) I'm getting ready to go live in another country....where I speak VERY little of the language. And...i can't WAIT! I'm SOOO gonna miss everyone..I'm probably going to go crazy at periodic times...and I'll probably be speaking a lot of Spanish..mainly to curse and say everything that I can't say in English. Reguardless...at times it'll be really lonley...I'll continue to post here so that everyone knows what's going on....cause I'm fairly certian I won't be able to email as much as I would like...definitely not call....I don't want to lose my friends (or those much closer than friends) I don't want to be forgotten!!! Hopefully people won't forget me. I also have to wonder...if my ex and I hadn't been having issues...and my job stressing me out...would I have been so eager to leave? Would I still have applied when I did? Or would I still be "enjoying life"? Reguardless of the MANY varied reasons for my escape..my ex didn't drive me to this...he may have made the decision easier..but he didn't make me go. It'd be more accurate to say that my job sent me running and screaming to escape. Ah well...I do enjoy my job, even when people drive me crazy. Which is daily. It's the life of anyone who works in customer service...NO respect. Well....Other than that I've been working on another poem..this one's called Jaded. I'll post it when it's finished. Alas *looks at clock* I must go...ja ne!

Life is Good.

2006-01-22T06:16:56Z

I FINALLY got my mojo back! Well...sorta...I was finally able to write something...and SUPER depressing poem, but still it's SOMETHING...after 4 months I wasn't sure if I'd EVER be able to write again. But it's all good. I still wonder why I wrote something SO depressing, I figure it's because I'm so happy, that all the negative emotions had to go somewhere...mainly just into my writing...but I began on the "let the bad guys win" in my writing. Ever since I began years and years ago...I've had that mentality. I do the most evil things to my characters, and frequently kill most of them off. My poetry sounds like I cut myself on a daily basis just to get by...but even as jaded as I am about love and everything...I'm never THAT depressed. I dunno...maybe my writing reflects the unhappiness of those around me...I think so. My ex is EVER so depressed right now...he REALLY does not want me to go to Japan. He wouldn't keep me from going, but he REALLY doesn't want me to go...he told me that like 30 times today in our last conversation. Why is it that after people are no longer with you, they finally treat you the way they should have treated you when you were together? ironic no? if he HAD been treating me the way he should have....would we still be together, and would I still be leaving the country? Probably not..I'd probably be searching more for a job here versus another country...but I can't say that for sure...I may still have just because this is something I've wanted to do, and am now finally in a situation where I can, job-wise, $$$, etc. I'm going regardless of my best friends and ex's objections...this is something I HAVE to do. So I'm going to do it. I've been accepted...and I don't want to turn back...now I've gotta learn all the icky foods in Japanese so I don't get tricked into eating them...and learn all the important words "toilet, food, chocolate, train, and HELP!" lol, anyway, I need to get some sleep so ja ne!

I'm going to Japan!!!

2006-01-20T07:26:31Z

This'll be quick cause I gotta go to bed...but I'm going to Japan! I got the job!! I'm SOOO excited!
ok, bedtime!

Still horribly blocked....

2006-01-18T17:05:34Z

I am a writer...or at least I used to be a few months ago when my writer's block wasn't in full effect...I haven't been able to write ANYTHING (no poetry, no stories, no flashfiction, no novels...not even work on any works in progress) and it's driving me crazy! At first I thought it might be the relationship I was in...but unhappiness typically fuels my writing, not stops it. Although in this case, I did all my writing when I was happy with him, and as things got worse I became unable to write. Well, we're no longer together, we've become friends again (and things are as good as they were in the begining) and I STILL CAN'T WRITE!!! it would be different if I had no ideas about anything....but I have the ideas, I have the synopsis, I have the characters and the locations, I just CAN'T do anything with it! It's driving me crazy! It's mucking up my sleep schedule....mainly because it's starting to give me insomnia along WITH my lack of writing. Don't get me wrong, I've had writers block before, but not for this long and it's never bothered me this much. It's making already stressful situations worse (wating to find out if I got the job) and it's giving me headaches and distracting me from normal stuff, I've even been reading more books lately (more like 2-3 a day instead of just one) I've got all this weird conflicting emotions and I'm BURSTING with creativity, but I can't get it out! This is worse than being sexually frustrated! At least I can get THAT taken care of! If I don't find a way to break this soon, I'm going to do something horrible!!! Chocolate can only contain this for so long!!
Well...that helped a little to get it off my chest....I'll be going now...I need some chocolate...

Deuces

I guess I should explain a lil about myself...

2006-01-18T00:34:31Z

Let's see, I'm 25, female, christian (but not holierthanthou...i won't knock your beliefs, don't knock mine), recently single (long story...it needed to happen, we both made mistakes), just interviewed for a job in Japan (keep your fingers crossed, or pray, or whatever) I currently work for an airline (one of the few that's doing well) but I gotta get out of there before they drive me crazy...or kill me accidentally, or something...I'm fairly jaded when it comes to love...not completely giving up on it..no..I do know that somewhere there's a guy out there that is going to be "the one" but I'm not holding my breath on that one (jaded, but still deluded, ah well), and I eventually will settle down and live "happily ever after" just not right now. I want to see the world, and have fun, and learn japanese to go with my spanish and english. (yes, I'm bilingual) I'm a total bookworm and nerd, on average I read a book a day, and almost always fantasy or horror...give me something other than real life (sometimes more, sometimes less depending on how busy I am) I love video games (I have a ps2, xbox, gamecube, n64, genesis, dreamcast, ps1, gameboy, gameboy advance, gamegear...I'm going to get a psp, ds, 360, ps3, and revolution...yeah...addcited much? nah! did I mention I love video games?) I like randomly playing on the internet...web comics rock! (especially namir deiter, langlang, count your sheep, better days, vg cats, college roomies from hell, cigarro and cerveja, no room for magic, house of lsd *adult*, kevin and kell...well those are the ones I check on a daily basis) ummm, what else? I require chocolate to retain sanity, I collect sharp pointy objects (swords and knives), I also collect stuffed animals (I currently own over 200...yeah...kinda oxymoronic huh?) I LOVE sports, (my fav football team sucks *Detroit Lions* but I'm also a BIG fan of the Bears and Steelers(friends of mine plays for both teams) and Raiders....(college, go Wolverines and Eagles)My basketball team is pretty darn good *Detroit Pistons* and outside of them I don't watch much basketball...soccer/futbol is fun, no fav team there...and hockey *Go Red Wings*), if you couldn't tell, I'm from Detroit, Michigan. I write poetry and stories, maybe I'll post some of it on here...ummm..I'm an actor and singer...although since college I've just done a little bit with independent movies and stuff...mostly behind the scenes for TV (producing and writing until I got laid off), I love playing cards, pool, and board games, I love hanging with friends...bowling (I rock!)..I have a little brother and sister...I'm the oldest...I really love to have fun, meeting like-minded people, and being creative (in any way, shape, or form), I enjoy baking (brownies!!!) and cooking sometimes...I'm very much a people person...and maybe a bit of an exhibitionist with all the d*mn web journals I have...huh...go figure... I don't watch much tv anymore, unless it's cartoons or something on espn or sci-fi (firefly!!!) I enjoy movies..NO CHICK FLICKS!!! If no one's being blown up, no blood, guts, or gore, and no humor, or it ain't animated...Skye no watchie. I love animals, especially doggies...I like cats a lot too..but I'm allergic..so it's moreso admiration from afar...I also like reptiles...LOVE snakes and lizards. I'm willing to try anything once...hee hee hee...and well, that's all I can think of for now. Feel free to contact or comment or whatever.

Welcome...if you managed to find this, good for you...it's new..and hidden

2006-01-17T23:40:17Z

I kinda wanted to begin a new journal in a new space..just new. I already have a few journals (including the handwritten one on my futon), and i'll probably link to them eventually...just wanted to go someplace all my friends haven't gone yet...for a while..just to be able to put things out there...and have someone new take a look at the craziness that I call my life. So welcome, feel free to comment or whatever and who knows...I may make some new friends.

Deuces people
Cinnamon Skye